9,000 Year-Old Painting Depicts Cheesy Dude
With Big Hair - CoverUps.com

Pictured above is a petroglyph, a rock cave painting that is nearly 9,000 years old. Naturally, scientists are startled at what appears to be a much earlier than anticipated sense of fashion.

By Matthew “Scratch” De Reno
CoverUps.com Investigator

CANYONLANDS NATIONAL PARK, UT — The oldest piece of rock art in Utah’s famed Canyonlands National Park is said to be an “incised pebble” almost nine freaking big ones old (in un-scientific terms that is 9,000 years to idiots like you and me). Such a rock was discovered in Cowboy Cave (insert “Brokeback Mountain” sequel joke here). Cowboy Cave is one of many famous caves comprising Canyonlands National Park.

Several petroglyphs, a fancy term for images found scratched into rocks, have been discovered recently at Cowboy Cave. These drawings have archeologist scratching their rocks with chisels: case in point, the recent discovery of a one depicts what appears to be a man with a strikingly modern hairstyle and donning a purple sweater. This petroglyph seems to contradict everything anthropologists know about early man.

“Clearly something is out of wack here,” said Dr. Frederick Diffendorfer, of the Archaeological Institute for the Preservation of Pedantic Study. “To my knowledge—and believe me my knowledge is freaking huge—people didn’t wear textile-based clothing way back then…. They were lucky to sport a fig leaf or piece of dried deer skin to be used as a loin cloth… Speaking of which, check out what I have on right now…”

(Whoa! Please don’t go there, Fred.)

Pantless, Diffendorpher explained that in 1957 Jesse D. Jennings dated the archaic Native American culture present in Cowboy Cave and others, such as Danger Cave, to nearly 11,000 years old. Barrier Canyon Style rock art is the oldest pictography on the Colorado Plateau, he said. The style is equated with the Archaic Culture, he said.

“Somehow Jesse dropped the ball on this one (the dark-haired dude),” Diffendorpher said, pouring himself a high ball while standing naked in the cave. “Science is not perfect. Not like you CoverUps boy. Huh, not like you…”

(We hate it when he gets like this… CoverUps.com tried our best to keep it professional.)

“Have another high ball you lush,” we yelled, running from the Cave.

“F--- You, CoverUps boy!”

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