‘Reverse Keg Stand’ separates Man from Dinosaurs –
and Sobriety – CoverUps.com
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Dr. John Barley of the University of Wisconsin Beer and Cheese Institute downs a cold one. He recently completed an eight year study on “Biological Origins of the Reverse Keg Stand” and co-published “Gorillas In The Foam” with colleague Dr. Noah Hopkins |
MILWAUKEE, PLANKTON ROAD BREWERY, WI – In the most recent issue of the oppressively scientific journal, called (yawn) Journal, researchers at the University of Wisconsin Beer and Cheese Institute have definitively proved that what marked man’s departure from the animal kingdom was not bipedalism (upright walking) but rather upside down drinking of hops and barley – what modern man commonly calls the Reverse Keg Stand.
Dr. John Barley and Noah Hopkins conducted eight years of binge drinking with all walks of animals including orangutans, gorillas and patrons of a really seedy bar in the South Side of Chicago, to complete their beer-stained paper Biological Origins of the Reverse Keg Stand and Gorillas in the Foam.
The paper made some startling revelations.
We don’t have much in common with the orangutans, as some geneticists would have us believe. But we are closely related to the pelican.
“You shee, the Pelican may be the first creature to show man how to drink beer upshide down,” Hopkins said, asking us if we could hold his ankles as he chugged a pitcher of brew. “Since that’s essentially how it fishes in the shallow ocean waters. You shee, primitive man may have thought it only made sense to invert himself if he shaw a pelican do it.”
Mark Pounder, a low-level researcher who selflessly volunteered to help Barley and Hopkins complete their research by subjecting his body to multiple reverse keg stands over the experimental trial period, said that drinking beer upside down is more than just getting in touch with the beer drinker in you: it builds camaraderie and may have been a way to prove worthiness amongst primitive people.
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A Pelican goes down for a for a fish swimming in the Ocean. |
Harry Pelican, an undergrad at Marquette University in Milwaukee, goes down for a beer. |
Pounder went on to explain:
“It's a trust issue,” he said, belching. “You have to trust the buddies that are holding your feet over your head while you begin to inject beer into the body in a manner gravity really did not intend us to.”
Pounder later admitted he didn't have a clue what gravity really was (but then again, neither did Einstein).
We wanted to ask Dr. Barley his thoughts on the reverse keg stand. But he had an AA meeting he was running late for.
His paper, we are happy to report, has been well received by the Nobel Prize committee, where they had a table leg that wobbled.
Gorillas in The Foam fit perfectly under the leg. The table no longer wobbles. Dr. Barley, alas, still does.
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