Gravitational Pull Responsible for LA Traffic
Congestion, Nutty Professor Claims – CoverUps.com

The true center of the known Universe is Los Angeles, at least many have claimed as such for years. Scientists have now proved the assumption by studying the gravitational effect of traffic congestion in LA. Once all the numbers are crunched in super computers, it turns out that LA is indeed the center of the Universe.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

LOS ANGELES, CA – It would appear that real reason LA suffers the worst traffic congestion of anywhere in the world, has less to do with poor civil engineering and urban planning and more to do with the gravitational pull of the city, as it has been found to be the center of the Universe.

Theoretical astrophysicist Stan Sagan III, who once beat the hell out of Stephen Hawking for his lunch money, recently published his startling findings in The Journal of the Scientific Idiot.

Mad scientist Carl Sagan, III, drinks a beaker of some chemical cocktail before telling us his theory that LA is really the center of the Universe. Later, delivering a message from Stephen Hawking, we rang his boys on the subject.

“Well, we never thought that the Unified Force Theory and all that crap would really have any plain world application - but it sure is surprising the shit out of us now,” Sagan, III, added. “…I mean many Los Angelenos have bragged that LA is the center of the Universe, what with Hollywood and all the weather… but, it turns out that they are indeed correct – who would have thunk?”

Sagan, III, said that the middle of LA is really a cultural black hole – so incredibly massive that its force of gravity sucks up the entire universe. One day, all existence will be sucked down the hole of LA, he said. Really, it will be pretty wild. When the big one comes – it will definitely happen in LA.”

On a practical level, scientists are not sure what this means in terms of the short-run and alleviating the many traffic problems in LA.

“I don’t know what you can do about traffic, man, it seems that the laws of physics point to LA - it appears to be the reference point of existence – how do you avoid that?” questioned Sagan, III.

We asked him then what would theoretically happen if someone ever made it to the center off mass of the city during rush hour traffic.

“It is impossible,” Sagan III exclaimed. “You'd need an infinite amount of energy to attain the speed of light according to Einstein’s theory, and you would most likely also need an infinite amount of patience to make it to the center of LA during rush hour. It is virtually impossible, even with today’s technology.”

Still, CoverUps.com probed further. After all, what might possibly happen if you made it to the center – providing one could attain infinite patience?

Sagan, III, said that in all likelihood you would inevitably then be able to travel through a “worm hole.”

We asked him where the worm hole might take you. His answer was interesting, indeed. He said he was not sure, but in all likelihood the worm hole would take you to New York.

“It’s the Big Apple right?” He reasoned.

At that point, we told him that Stephen Hawking sends his regards and then kneed him in the groin. He since retracted all theories on the 'Big Bang', although he still maintains LA is the center of the Universe.

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