New Legislation Would Ban
Selling Tobacco to Blondes – CoverUps.com
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Blondes may be having a little less fun in the near future, if a new law proposed in health-crazed California passes.. It would ban any store from selling cigs to blondes, regardless of age. |
By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com InvestigatorSan Francisco, CA – For years politicians have been cracking down on the tobacco industry, trying to protect the public from the evils of smoking. Their crusade has received much support from the public, especially when children were involved.
Public bans have been successful but hotly debated, with many claiming they were wise decisions, while others said the rights of millions of law-abiding citizens were being unfairly attacked.
“It’s like I can’t even find a bar that will let me light up. I’m basically restricted to inside my own house. If I need a fix when I’m out and about, forget about it,” says Sacramento resident Clark Edwards.
The constant tax increases and anti-smoking policies in states like California and New York have also left the less fanatical states feeling caught in the middle.
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States bordering California already feel the pressure of the golden state's tobacco jihad – especially when ex-Californians move in and bring their smoke-nazism with them. Brace yourselves, neighbor states! |
But there's a new feeling afoot that anti-tobacco crusaders have finally overplayed their hand, especially as word of their latest legal gambit gets around. After almost a year of closed-door wrangling in Sacramento, it looks like the days are numbered for blondes who smoke. That's right. For blondes who smoke.
Assembly Bill 8675309, also known as the "Let's All Protect Those Blonde Airheads From Themselves Act" is explicitly built on the stereotypical notion of the “dumb blonde”. Ditzy dopes that they are, blondes of all ages – at least those silly enough to live in California – would be legally classified as lacking the intelligence of a bonafide adult, and would be disallowed from making lifestyle choices that might hurt their health forty years later. In essence, the bill would give blondes the same rights as seventeen year olds. Forever.
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Upon hearing of the new legislation, Jessica Rice, left, was outraged. "I blow second-hand-smoke in your general direction," she said in an exclusive interview with CoverUps. Though described by some as blonde, her hair does in fact have many shades of brown. |
Local health nazis and other power-drunk do-gooders have been deluged with angry letters from blonde smokers and their allies in liquor stores and taverns, complaining about the unfairness of the proposed law. Police associations have chimed in about the impossibility of enforcement.
"What about mixed hair colors and dye jobs?" asked one exasperated bartender. "What about borderline blondes?”
"We need more guidelines than just 'No one with hair colored blonde may purchase tobacco products,'” said one store owner. "Especially when your license is on the line."
CoverUps.com took a closer look at the bill, to better inform the public of its contents. Among its provisions were the following:
- For the first three years after passage of the bill, blonde highlights would not be counted. After that, they would.
- A full dye job would disqualify a woman from buying cigarettes ...
"Enforcement would be a real bear otherwise," said bill co-author Jasper Klaptrap. "I mean, even zealots as crazy as me don't want to have to check the scalps and root colors of all these bims. Plus, hey – dying your hair blonde is de facto proof of lesser intelligence all by itself!"- The ban would apply to strawberry blondes.
- But not to dirty bondes.
- Or to male blonds.
"We'll take care of that in next year's bill," Klaptrap said.One angry San Diegan smoker wrote, “They just keep reaching with this. When will they stop? What's next? No smokes without a high school degree? A college degree? Medical degrees? It’s madness.”
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