Man Claims Fast Food Value Menus are The Greatest
Things That Ever Happened to Him, Ever! - CoverUps.com
By Matthew "Scratch" De Reno
CoverUps.com InvestigatorATLANTA -- Wayne Epperson, a single man working as a tax accountant in downtown Atlanta, claims that the single biggest reason in his life to live are the value menus at fast food restaurants.
"I guess after my wife ran off with that minor league catcher for the Braves I really didn't have a lot going for me," he said. "It was then I discovered my love for compulsive eating and this strange love affair with the value menu. I have since fallen in love with the the fast food value menu at a McDonald's near where I live. It is always there for me. It never lets me down. Frankly, it's a great value."
Epperson claims he doesn't know who or what the face looks like behind the electronic voice that casually and politely asks him "what'll it be." He just knows it, the menu itself, is something to count on. He is smitten by it.
"I usually tell her to count my nuggets out loud," he told CoverUps. "There is something about her telling my nuggets look nice and juicy, that really gets me going... Am I in love with fast food? I don't know. I do know that there is something special about that value menu."
A Clinical psychologist, Dr. Alfred T. Buns, who treats fast food addiction for the Mayo and Mustard clinic in Bethesda, Maryland, said Epperson's problem is becoming all too common nowadays.
"Obesity in this country can be directly tied our love affair with fast food," Buns said. "Americans wallow in their guilt at the drive-thru lane and it must stop. They swallow their failures with fast food value meals."
Pictured to the left is Wayne Epperson, 44, who has found true love at last - with the actual value menu at the McDonald's drive-thru in the Northern suburbs of Greater Atlanta.
Epperson claims the love affair started when he discovered he could get a double cheeseburger for a buck. Then, a whole world of possibilities opened up for him. There was the Jr. Shake, the McChicken sandwich, the 4 piece McNuggets, it was simply amazing the variety of comfort foods available all for a buck. All of it made up for his shortcomings as a husband.
Sadly, Epperson was arrested for "lewd acts committed on a Ronald McDonald" statue outside the McDonald's parking lot.
Epperson will be arraigned in front of Mayor McCheese this week.
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