God's 'Off-The-Cuff Remark' Sparks
End Of Earth Fears! - CoverUps.com
A broken galactic-sized air compressor has left Heaven in the heat, literally. God reportedly said, "It's hotter than Hell up here..." sparking an end of the world controversy-again! By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com InvestigatorCLOUD NINE, HEAVEN - In what is shaping up to be a comment completely taken out of context, Heaven has issued a statement explaining God's recent, "It's hotter than Hell," off-the-cuff remark made to St. Peter recently. Regrettably, some misinformed angels spread the news here on Earth, CoverUps.com has discovered.
CoverUps.com has learned the full story through our spiritual pipeline, none other than Fr. Lou McKenna, of the Fox Mulder Church of Boston.
Turns out Heaven has not been overwhelmed by Beelzebub and Co. or any of his minions, for that matter. It is just that the air conditioning unit that keeps Heaven cool is on the fritz again, much to the dismay of the all the souls playing harps and trying to relax on the fluffy clouds, said McKenna.
"Jeez," said Wayne Tipperman, a produce manager whose expiration date was reached last year when he died of eating a bad butt steak. "I didn't know it would be this hot here. I figured it would at least be comfortable… I am not sure how much hotter Hell could be. If I would have known the air conditioner would be broken, perhaps I would have hung around a few more months."
God was sorry his "it's hotter than Hell" comment was overheard. Through a statement sent by St. Peter to Fr. McKenna, God claims to have apologized.
McKenna said the letter cites Heaven's air conditioner as quite old, in both a biblical sense and an Earthly one. The letter didn't say exactly how old, but did say "…its antediluvian, which means it's older than a pair of Moses' boxer shorts."
Still, some folks on Earth got wind of the hot spell in Heaven and believe that the end is near.
"We all know the expression 'when Hell freezes over,'" said Duane Chapin of Kitty Hawk, N.C. "…so wouldn't the converse be true of Heaven? When there's a drought in Heaven is the end not near?"
Duane Chapin of Kittyhawk, NC, caught news of the hot spell in Heaven and believes the end is near. Thus, the moron created a handheld sign to proclaim the end of the Earth. The orange pylon on his head is typical of Chapin and has nothing to do with his doomsday prophecy. He claims to wear it as a conversation piece at singles mixers. He's still single. No matter, God still expects the air conditioner to run properly, he said. He plans to smite a couple HVAC guys in the coming days that should be able to get the thing running the right way.
"Bob Larson, HVAC guy in South Boston is about to have himself a boiler room accident," joked one Angel (who refused to be identified). "After that happens, I think we'll have some real expertise on hand to figure out what is wrong with the compressor. Until then, we'll just have to keep the windows open for a while."
(Q. Heaven has windows? A. Anderson double pane, actually.)
Ironically, Heaven is not as energy efficient as Hell, McKenna said. According to Father McKenna, God has made some revealing insights into the utilities of Hitler Heights (a/k/a Hell):
Hell has been solar powered for some time now fretted the Lord Almighty, Father McKenna claims. He would like to use fire in Heaven, but is afraid something would seem lost symbolically when souls arrive at the pearly gates and see flames, he said. God can't be having that, he simply can't, said McKenna.
Silly
CoverUps Index • Specials • Main
Index
BurialServices.com • Flirting.com • PlayingPolitics.com
