Needless E-mail Practice
Threatens Global Economy - CoverUps.com

Theorists predict that the world will become "inter-strangled" by hoards of carbon-copy email practices, which are bogging down internet bandwidth.

By Scratch DeReno
CoverUps.com Investigator

OVERLAND PARK, Kansas - Mathematical and economic theorist predict world commerce and life as Americans know it (but not necessarily as other smaller nations know it) to come screeching to a halt by the year 2020. They claim the global economy will be choked to death by incessant, needless and abusive e-mailing practices; specifically, the annoying habit of "copying" people on trivial e-mails was cited as a primary factor in the eventual stalling of civilization American style.

"There is no longer debate within the scientific community," said Malthusian nightmare advocate Russell Elmer, a theoretical mathematician for the Michigan State University's College of Natural Sciences, "People simply can't understand that it is not necessary that everyone in the world received an email."

Elmer said people tend to copy others because of over-inflated opinion of one's organizational importance, low self esteem and general paranoia about life in corporate America."

"Do I really need copied in when someone wants to order more paper supplies in the laboratory down the hall?" Elmer said.

According to her colleagues, back-stabbing bitch Tina Napierkowski, a logistics associate with Gap Inc., San Bruno, California, "CC's everybody and their grandmother" on work emails matter how trivial the correspondence. As an example, she "blind" copied Gap president Paul Pressler on an e-mail concerning who was going out for the Friday happy hour at Chi-Chi's for frozen margaritas. She was fired when the president realized he had not been invited.

Elmer claims that the World Wide Web Consortium (W3C), an organization that establishes protocols and standards for the Internet, needs to crack down on frivolous CC'ing of emails.

"We computer nerds have a term called 'interstrangulation,'" he said. "This results when program code contains too many redundant loops and thus can grind an application to a halt. The same thing will happen to Earth unless we stop CC'ing each other."

But, many everyday users of the Internet claim CC'ing gives protection when dealing with adversarial work mates, customers or even friends.

"The name of the game in the modern corporate world is 'Cover your ass!'" said Monster.com recruiter Paul Wickersham. "It's nice to have a boatload of emails detailing fraud, incompetence, and kick backs, what have you - especially, when management is looking to sack your job or ship it overseas."

Steve Ferris, shipping analyst with bottling company Pepsi Americas, agrees:

"There's this merchandiser I work with who is a complete prick. No sooner will this jerk-off report you to the management SS squad for a mistake on a bill of lading or something… But, somehow this asshole seems to 'never receive' my multiple e-mail requests for merchandise status reports," Ferris said. "I copy in everyone on the executive staff so they know what kind of idiocy I have to put up with in my job."

To avoid having the global economy grind to a halt, Elmer said e-mail users must show a little faith:

"To change destructive e-mail practices, we have to change the culture of distrust here in corporate America," Elmer said, "It starts by not copying in the whole world on one's small problems."

CoverUps.com agrees.

(Note to self: copy this email to CoverUps.com legal department)